Call it the most romanticised month, for me, the most lovely month. It feels brown. Brown old pages, smelling like wet wood. Big mugs of warm coffee, vanilla ice cream. The chilly air feels inviting fuzzy sweaters. Long hours spent listening to songs in bed. Taking the day off to just look at the sky and think about past lovers, and opening a box full of bittersweet memories. It feels comfortable. It feels like sinking into a chubby sofa.
It is November. And it is NOTHING like what I said above. By its very onset, I could feel the sadness seeping in. I could see myself breaking down every now and then, simply because this month has given me some of my best memories. And now the memories are my worst nightmares, that keep haunting me. I have broken myself again. I don't know what it is, really. And to be honest, NOTHING is helping. Maybe something in me wants to stay like this. But mostly I want to get out of this slump. Amidst so much enthusiasm, people and pace, I feel like a stagnant shadow uselessly carried through the realm of time. Through infinite paradigms, I feel like the situations are just thrown at me, that my existence is UNALTERABLE through incessant effort. There is something I am looking for, something that is clearly hidden from me. at someplace my eyes cannot search, or see through.
Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.
"You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present." -A.Y
Sometimes, I am present, during the day. Most times I am worrying about the future, which has given me hyper-anxiety. Just today, I finished a really awaited novel by John Green. It was precisely the thing I intended to read. It highlighted suffering as the eternal labyrinth, something all of us have to keep enduring till the very end. There is 'no way out' of it, yet we keep searching for it all our life.
"Nothing is as used to being ignored as the present." -harshita
Halfway through our ages, if we look back at the amount of time we wasted looking for an illusion, the regret of missing out on life, or as the Gen-Z likes to call 'Fomo' will be insurmountable. I am feeling more lost than ever. Literally around half a dozen people, still feeling alien, and unwelcome, deprived severely of something to call home. I've been honest with everything I write, and will be. For this is the only constant I have. The days I am with myself are the best, for I know how to not disappoint myself, while others, no matter how hard they try, somehow, just by a minuscule margin, inevitably make me go arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
There is a quote I read on Pinterest one day-
"Don't ever give anybody enough power to bring back the triggered, unhealed version of you. "
But well, every time you expect anything from someone, they are bound to disappoint you, because only YOU know how to treat you the 'correct' way. Others may try, but only to an extent. I don't even miss anyone now. I miss my ability to trust people. I get scared almost all the time. I've written plenty about it, I've done everything humanly possible to become less paranoid, to start living in the present, to just live the time as it passes, but..
I honestly don't even know now.
What is it that I lack? Why does everyone have their shit figured out? Why is my life just so pathetic? Why is November such a bitch to me?
I feel caged. I want to be free. I want to live my life the way I want. I don't want anyone telling me what to do and what not to do. I want the freedom to figure it out BY MYSELF. I want to make my own choices. I want to just live, which is making me want to die.
“And then something invisible snapped inside her, and that which had come together commenced to fall apart.”- m.h
Then I force myself to just distract my head from all this overthinking by opening my mind to the best mental exercise on earth- doing math. It gets me in a calm and productive state of mind temporarily. I have started to love math just as much as I hated it till grade tenth. That and microeconomics are the only things I actually want to study, I am in a reading frenzy these days, finishing one book after another, all fiction! By the way, The Book Thief is a good book! But read it only if you have flexible patience schedules, for it is unnecessarily long. Looking for Alaska on the other hand is brilliant! Simple, short, sweet, and fun. I have no idea, why I am reviewing novels here but I am just pouring my heart out coz I haven't written anything in weeks. My caffeine intake has peaked at 4 coffees a day, which can be called slightly unhealthy.
There is something bothering me constantly. I am always worrying about something. I want peace, pace, excitement, and stability, I want SOMETHING. I don't know what it is, nor how to get it, but I know I will not be able to rest my mind from racing before I get that figured out. I love darkness, and silences, not a new discovery, just reinstated by recent experiences. I love my alone time. I want to work alone. It is so comfortable to just be alone. But I want people, and my mind is racing at 100 miles/hour. I am rolling my eyes at every person, I just want to give sarcastic and offensive judgments about everything and everyone. My routine is a mess, I am scrolling too much LinkedIn, then feeling left behind. I am utterly overwhelmed and underwhelmed by these last months. I AM A GIANT LIVING PARADOX!
By now, either you would have left reading, or if you are still somehow reading, then you must have understood that this is a rant blog, and my life is a total mess right now. Nothing is working out 'my' way, because maybe god has planned better things for me, and all bullshit, I am working with what,I don't know! I am losing time, happy to lose time? I mean, does it even make sense? Well, I don't think so! A rant blog never made sense to me in the very first place! Just another of my Alaska-inspired impulsivities, or stupid boldness as I call it. I guess this is the time when I can safely say, that I am alive for I have stories to read until I find someone, something, to write stories about.
Until next time, oh, I also finished Big Bang Theory. ABSOLUTE SHEER BRILLIANCE! I even learnt the theme song lyrics from google!
“That didn’t happen, of course. Things never happened the way I imagined them.”
Until next time, BYEEEE!
~harshita