No matter how hurt you feel, holding onto it, only makes your life miserable. If you have been hurt. neglected, or ignored, it is only human to feel bitter. Being with the wrong people for prolonged periods of time is bound to trigger hidden insecurities, or bring up past trauma, revealing the unhealed version of you.
But you've got to try. To change.
It is okay to build those walls up, to be unwilling to confide in other people, be paranoid and/or helpless, when in survival mode. However, there is a possibility you do not want to ignore – But that may become a perpetual, undetectable part-of-you.
Let me get this straight– YOUR FEARS ARE NEVER GOING AWAY. So planning your entire life around them only constrains and restricts you from enjoying it. You will always feel scared to be vulnerable, or push away good people because you are too afraid to lose them, you think they will hurt you, they will go away, leaving you a mess. You think that, because it has happened to you earlier. And if you keep thinking that, it will happen to you again. Simply because that is what you will subconsciously manifest by obsessively thinking about it.
It has now, been over eight months, and I hate to be seeing myself struggling to trust people, getting panicky and avoid talking when I get too close to a new person,damaging old friendships by constantly demanding more and more assurance, lacking self-worth, purposely detaching myself for my safety, to avoid being hurt and vulnerable to anyone.
It is so goddamn risky to let people in your life!
It gives them the power to change you for a lifetime. In good ways and bad.
But slowly and steadily, with the right people( the right people are those who are consistently patient with you ), I am starting to trust again. Yes, I do need assurance,but the right people will not hesitate to understand the backstory and empathise. It is still very scary to be vulnerable to someone, giving them power over you, but for me, it is scarier to have lived my best years with no one to share it with. it is scary to never get close to anyone ever again just because one person couldn't treat me right. It is scary to live in the fear of being betrayed. It is scary to let paranoia rob you off all the experiences, good and bad, you were supposed to have. It is scary to let the safety of your heart assume more power than the happiness of your heart. Hurt is hard to forget, but somewhere, it has only made me a better person.
To all the people going through anything like this, it doesn't go away. Not until you pluck it out of your body, break it into a thousand pieces, completely believe yourself to be free from it and throw your insecurities into the unknown abyss of uncertainty.
And that is when you really start living.
Here is a very insightful piece of writing I found-
