I have the overwhelming urge to do nothing but think obsessively, compulsively, incessantly. To simply do nothing makes me feel free to choose if I want to do anything or nothing at all. It gives me the power of being in charge of my choices. What I do with it doesn't really matter compared to how it makes me feel at that very instant. There is so much I want to do, but when I actually get a chance to do it, something happens and it isn't what I want anymore. It only has its appeal till the time I don't have it. It is only worth - wanting if it seems very unattainable. We have a certain goal, over which we usually obsess so much that it transforms, in fact, transcends to appear like the most alluring thing to possess. We consciously and subconsciously hype it in our heads and brainstorm a way or ways to get it. We find a plan or course of action that makes it seem achievable. The instant we figure that out, we imagine how we'd feel once we get it. We fill ourselves with sweet, victorious emotions that blind us off all the logic we have. It intoxicates us in its pleasure so gracefully, because you rarely get what you exactly desire. So then you work your way, brave all those torturous days of toil and labor, you endure innumerable hardships to simply feel those emotions once again, to feel good about yourself, like you can get anything you want like you're capable of changing destiny, write your own fate all over again. And while all this is okay, there are two cases that appear later- Either you get what you want, or you don't. Let's explore the first one first. You manifest your dream, through your hard work. You are supposed to be on cloud nine, the happiest person on earth. But as soon you get it, it is less appealing than you had thought it to be, it isn't anything like you imagined. But you have worked so hard for it and endured so much to get it. So what do you feel now? Guilt! Loads of it! You worked so hard for what? Nothing! "A curse in disguise" I'd like to say. You hate yourself for wasting so much of your time and energy on something that is worth so little once you have it. "What is an have it. Meanwhile, you must have lost so much family time, so many friendships, and your mental health all must have suffered incredibly. You incessantly blame yourself for it. You end up hating yourself So getting what you want, for yourself became a tragedy after all. Maybe not getting what you want isn't so bad as this. So, let's take this as the second case. So again, in this case, work hard for your goal, but this time you don't really get it. You obviously blame yourself. You could have worked harder and could have planned better, or you simply didn't want it bad enough. But later, you think that maybe this isn't such a bad thing after all. You know that you don't always get what you want, so you analyze why you actually had setup that goal for yourself. Do you actually want it? Is it worth trying now after you actually have failed? Why so? You ask these intimidating questions that make you realize that this goal, wasn't something worth pursuing. You feel it wasn't worth wasting more time on. You feel that all your energy & time are now saved from being wasted on some useless endeavor. It was something you had to try and fail to realize that it isn't something you really want. Now you know exactly what you don't want. You know what type of planning doesn't work to achieve goals. You know how to analyze and find out if a goal is actually worth pursuing. In both cases, I believe pain is something to be endured. But getting something you want, to only realize that you don't want it anymore is definitely harder to accept than not getting what you want, and realizing that you never really didn't even want it.