Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely.
"Why is this guy not replying? It has literally been more than three hours! "
and just like that, I passed countless hours waiting for a lot of people to text me. The fun fact is, that these are those people who don't even matter to me, AT ALL! Then this waiting, becomes sheer torture, and you feel so guilty and you hate yourself for not valuing yourself enough, and giving people the power to annoy you.
Trust me, literally every single day of this waiting phase,I asked myself only one question- WHY AM I GIVING AWAY THE POWER TO AFFECT MY MOOD TO DUMB PEOPLE WHO I KNOW WILL ONLY DISAPPOINT ME?
But then again the next day, out of habit, subconsciously my hand reached for my phone, and then I'd be frustrated all over again. This carried on for a few weeks, but now that I'm looking at it, I respect myself and my time and my happiness more than ever.
I used to wait for other people to validate me, to fill the void of a person who left me more than six months ago. I distracted myself with casual chatting, giving so much attention to dumb people who were so toxic to my health. I began giving away my happiness in the hands of people who would always disappoint me. I kept going back to those harmful relationships where I was disrespected, out of loneliness.
I realized the problem is not with being lonely, but with the feeling that I was incapable of having a great relationship with myself and with others. The insecurities I had because of that one failed relationship were reflected in all my friendships. I wasn't able to trust new people, I was so resistant to new people and stupidly awkward around this guy I like(like OHMYGOD I WANNA KILL MYSELF AWKWARD!) I began shutting down a little emotionally, so as to not get too attached to anyone who might leave. I doubted myself in academics, stopped writing and wasted hours on instagram. All this while, the only thing that kept me sane, was my girl friends, whom I owe my whole life to.
One day I just woke up and tried to resist Telegram and Instagram for as long as possible. It was a Sunday, and I checked my phone at 3 pm that day. I read a little, studied for my exam and for the first time in weeks, felt a little proud of myself. That was all the push I needed, and I started becoming myself again. I did not uninstall Instagram or anything, but I started to find my own happiness. I did things that made me happy. I started to read novels, write atleast a line or two, watched BBT for hours on end, just anything that would make me enjoy my own company and make me realise that I MY PERMANENT HAPPINESS. Everyone else, just added to it. Anyone who didn't, I'd gradually cut all connection with them. I stopped replying to the people whose messages I waited for. I did everything alone, I'd do whatever made me happy, even if anyone else didn't agree to it.
SO WHAT! WHO CARES IF MY IDEA OF HAPPINESS DOESN'T SUIT THEM? DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GONNA BE HAPPY.
I, with time, began to feel less guilty while blocking people off, not giving a damn if someone wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. I just stopped caring so much. As soon as I realised how impermanent these people are, it becomes easy to cut them off. And the good ones, they won't make you feel undervalued, disrespected, or unloved. Those are the only people I genuinely care for now. And those are the only people I talk to now. My time, energy and mental peace are too precious to squander on unworthy people, or people who don't see how amazing I am, how special I am, how I am choosing to talk to them, and I can one day, choose not to.
This was such an exasperating loop of frustration, guilt and self-hatred that you literally begin to find faults in everything you do. It makes you question everything that is going good in your life. It is so important to be at peace with yourself, with your thoughts. Prioritising your happiness over other people's expectations of you, is something that makes me look arrogant and vain, selfish and bitchy, but none of that matters because I am so happy with myself, I am the source of my happiness. You treat yourself right, when someone else's absence or presence doesn't affect your happiness, when your thoughts are about you, and not others. When your actions are for you, and not others. It all begins when you start doing things for YOURSELF, and don't care of anything but your happiness.
-Harshita Sharma
