Someone told me to write about how to be a better friend. I think I am not the best person to ask. As someone who still struggles to find a middle ground between the ones who are acquaintances (I do not trust them) and the ones I confide in, those few people who actually "know" me, the ones who saw me at my worst, and still stayed.
There are a few things I did realize, though, dealing with many people this year. (NO! this is not another blog on 'realisations') A lot of them were very, very nice people, and some of them didn't appeal to me in some sense. I feel more important than being a good friend is choosing the "right" kind of friend in the first place.
The only criteria I have for anyone to be a friend is how they make me feel about myself.
Do I feel good about myself? Do I feel emotionally drained or do I sense a negative pit in my stomach after I spend time with this person I call a friend?
If you have friends who constantly criticise you or make fun of you, end up making you feel guilty about your goals, undermine your choices, or make you feel insecure or miserable for no reason, those people are NOT your friends.
Friends are supposed to be good to you. Good for you.
I personally feel that if the people I talk to on a daily basis are not good for my mental health, all other aspects of my life go on ruining themselves. My friends always make me feel deserving, respected, appreciated and loved. I feel like I can speak my mind without being judged. I can grow with them. They rejoice in my happiness, and most importantly, make me feel good about myself.
There are a few things I did to try to be a better friend:
1. VALUING PERSONAL SPACE & INDIVIDUALITY-
I feel this is the single most important thing in this entire piece.
I need to emotionally detach from even my close friends to recharge my social batteries. I need to spend some time alone in order to reflect and be at peace with my thoughts. I just can't do without it.
Similarly, other people also need some time for themselves. They may want to prioritise themselves, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. They may not reply quickly to my calls or texts because they have a lot going on. Maybe they don't share my enthusiasm sometimes, but that is all okay. There may be some things they may want to figure out on their own. They may not want to share everything with me. They don't have to! They may not have the emotional bandwidth to hear me or they may not be present fully with me. They don't have to apologise for going silent, or even for not reaching out to me, even though I am happy to help. They should never have to apologise for telling me how they feel. I just want them to know that I am there if they need me, and that I am more than happy to listen to them.
2. LISTEN—
As friends, sometimes we just want to help our friends out of bad situations or whatever troubles they may be facing. But sometimes, the person is not even looking for solutions!
Most of the time, we will be surprised to learn that they just want someone to LISTEN to them. Even if you don't completely understand, just let them be heard. They just want to get it out of their systems. If you can do that, half of the problem is solved then and there.
3. CONFLICT RESOLUTION—
How two people resolve a disagreement reveals a lot about their emotional maturity and the importance they place on their friendship. Different people have different mechanisms to deal with it, but by far the most effective one is honest communication, without any sugarcoating. If there is something you might say that could hurt the person more than you intend to, prepare them to hear that first. Tell them you want to talk about something they did or said the other day that you didn't like. Basing any friendship or relationship on lies, or falsities, or pretence, only leads to major problems later on. Keeping feelings bottled up can lead to sudden, unintended outbursts of ugly emotions.
I would usually consult other people on how I should proceed if some disagreement happened between me and my friend. I realised lately that if the problem is with them, they should be the only ones to know because they are the only ones who can actually solve it. If you feel awkward talking to your friend because you don't see each other that frequently, give it time, trust the bond you have, and I am sure things will get better. Speaking from personal experience being in this situation, all I can say is that I know that it gets better with time and effort from both people.
After all, the people you are most honest with are the ones you fight with the most, and those are the ones you love the most too.
4. TALK—
My girlfriends, unfortunately, are busy almost all the time. I don't blame them, but I think it would be great if we talked more. There is always something to talk about with them, and whatever it may be, in the end, I feel like living again. We just talk, rant, and complain as the clock hands turn round and round. I feel that simply letting all fear of judgement out when talking to someone you trust allows you a lot of comfort. It also makes your friend feel allowed to share some discreet things.
5. EXPRESS YOUR GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATE THEM—
Who doesn't like long paragraphs of appreciation or little gifts with handwritten notes from their friends? Well, that is just how I like to do it. I know that writing isn't something that comes to everyone easily, but it doesn't have to be exact. It can be as simple as telling your friend how grateful you are for having them, or genuinely appreciating how they make time for you. Make them feel good about themselves. Try to match their excitement, even if sometimes you don't understand it. The worst kinds of friends are those who make someone feel guilty for being excited about something. Rejoice in their success, and your chance will come. People always forget that when something good happens to someone else, it does not mean there is nothing in store for you. It just means that your timeline is not the same as theirs.
In the end, all I can say about being a good friend is that you have to be on the same page as them. That is where trust, effort, and the like come from.
You need to know your importance in their lives and how willing they are to make sure your friendship remains unaffected by external situations. Every time only one person attempts to save a friendship, it eventually falls apart.
There is a really sad thing I would like to tell you all—despite trying a million times, sometimes you have to let some friendships go. You have to accept that you outgrew those places, and that even though you had a really nice connection with someone for a long time, you don't belong there anymore. Sometimes, you have to just let your feelings be. Not all friendships are worth saving. I have tried embarrassingly many times to save a friendship that only gave me disrespect. I felt worthless every time I talked to that person. I knew we could never have what we had before, but something in me just couldn't let go.
Maybe, someday, when we go our ways and meet again, we will be smart enough to make it right. But for now, I am thankful for having the friends I do have and excited for all those yet to come.
-Harshita